Stuck

That’s me. I feel stuck. In every aspect.  December has not been a kind month. I got screamed at in the middle of a meeting for the first time. I cried in the bathroom at work for the first time. I kind of cried to my boss for the first time after we had a big confrontation over the one instance where I whispered (whispered!!) a joke to the girl next to me in a meeting where 20 other people were talking to the person next to them and when I do it, it’s single-handedly THE MOST UNPROFESSIONAL THING EVER. Despite sitting there singing Katy Perry ‘Roar’ lyrics in my head so I wouldn’t I still kind of cried and she saw and told me ‘oh geez don’t get upset’ which for some reason made me MORE upset. I’ve also  had to pull over on the car ride home for the first time so I could cry. My dad said “I’m sorry you’re feeling miserable” and I said “I’m not miserable. I just feel so stuck.” I haven’t been able to pull myself out of bed at 4 am to go to the gym because if I’m asleep I can delay being awake and feeling stuck and thinking about being stuck.

My love life [haaaaaa] is non-existent. My battle with weight is so frustrating. I have been doing so well  and then weeks like recently happen and the only way I know how to deal is to just inhale.all.the.foods.I feel like I’m not that connected to Baltimore and it’s my own fault. I have been better with this, and I’ve met some more people, but I still don’t have many Baltimore friends. I have like, 3, people to go out with on weekends and if none of them can go, I’m out of luck. And that’s my fault too but I just am too awkward to put in too much effort and after work all I want to do is put on sweatpants and stay in my house. My college roommates keep asking me if I think I should move and that seems way too dramatic..even for me. I don’t even know what I would move for- a job? I don’t know what I want to do. I like what I do. It makes sense to do what I do but I don’t know if I’m that good at it. I still often feel like I’m faking it. Somedays I escape meetings where I babble on about nothing and when people nod I think ‘phew. I fooled them again. They couldn’t tell that I don’t know a damn thing.’

I guess at 24.5, with 25 looming,  I realize I’m nowhere near the girl I thought I would be at 25. I thought the 25 year old me would be thin, have a great job I loved and kicked ass at, had a great boyfriend, a great wardrobe, live in a city and did such cool things. I’m in a city, but i can’t seem to propel myself into making the rest happen. Lazy, scared, pick one I don’t know. Oh and I don’t know anything. There’s that too. But! There’s still time. May 12 [my birthday] is 5 months away. All I know is I’m sick of disappointing myself and feeling like sometimes all I do is wander aimlessly and that I just survive. That sounds dramatic but I feel like lately 200 times a day I say ‘I just want to go home and be in bed.’

Sooo that’s where I’m at. I’m just pulling myself forward and trying to figure out how to be proactive and find answers and..blah. This post is slightly hysterical. I’m not depressed or anything that serious. I’m …fine. But is that enough? I dunno. At this age (the time of my life!!! or something), shouldn’t I be more?

uh. happy friday!? take a shot every time i say stuck in this post.

14 thoughts on “Stuck

  1. No, it’s not enough! We all go through ruts like this, in my opinion. I have definitely been there. But I am huge advocate of you make your own happiness. Being an introvert, it’s really hard for me to put myself out there, but every time I’ve forced myself into it, I haven’t regretted it. Hopefully things flow the way you want soon!

  2. Hugs, my friend. From what I’ve noticed, after 31 years of living… we’re never where we expect to be. I didn’t expect to be 31, still single, and living with the parents again. I have to believe it happens for a reason, as cheesy as that sounds. That said, you deserve better than feeling stuck and I hope things work out for you or at the very least, that you find yourself unstuck. Keep singing. :)

  3. You should not be anything more than you are right now. We put so much pressure on ourselves to have perfect lives, and it’s just not possible. Not that you’re necessarily looking for advice, but I would say to pick one or two things to focus on, because trying to get “unstuck” in every area of your life at one time is incredibly overwhelming. It’s a lot more manageable if you can wrap your head around one thing at a time. I really hope you stop feeling stuck soon though.. I know how tough that can be. I wish I lived closer to Baltimore.. I could always use another friend! :)

  4. you’re overwhelmed and probably still reeling from what happened in that meeting. speaking of which, it was HIGHLY unprofessional of that person to yell at you in front of an audience. that person should have taken you aside after the meeting and spoken with you privately; not berate you in front of people.

    in any case, take a break this weekend from it all and relax; then when you’re ready, come back and figure out what you want to do with things you’re unhappy with. make a plan! that’s what always helps me feel more in control but take things ONE STEP AT A TIME. we want all the things to change RIGHTNOW! but that’s just too overwhelming because we don’t know where to start or how to change ALL THE THINGS IMMEDIATELY. besides, it’s impossible to do that. so, BABY STEPS. planning. prioritizing. make a 5yr plan. focus on the next 5years for now and list out what YOU want to do and where you want to be by the time you’re 30. just to give you an idea, when i was in my late teens, my 5yr plan was as follows:

    1) be debt free and that mean focusing all my money and power to paying off my student loans
    2) becoming successful in my career and advancing as far as i could within my 5yr timeline
    3) owning my own home.
    that was it. #1 and #2 ate up so much of my time and i sacrificed so much.
    then when i accomplished those, i made another 5yr plan after that.

    it’s much easier to tackle a small, focused plan instead of trying to figure out how to do the WHOLE THING.

    good luck and msg me if you have any questions/need support!!

  5. Oh, honey — I can relate, and I completely understand this feeling. First, as was noted above, it was incredibly unprofessional for your boss to publicly berate you like that — the first rule of management is that you don’t try to shame your employees into doing/not doing something. I’ve found that people who do shit like that do it because they’re insecure about their own abilities and are scared that they don’t project enough authority to be taken seriously as a manager. It’s a ridiculous tactic, but for whatever reason, people do it all the time.

    Secondly, I think society has perpetuated this myth that all professional women are leading these fabulous, fast-paced lives filled with parties and promotions and an abundance of hot dudes. It’s a load of crap, actually, and it makes a lot of people feel like shit about themselves. The propagation of that mythical existence is all over the place, particularly in magazines and TV shows (thank, you SATC). Reality, though, is quite different. When I was 24, I was living in a tiny room in the basement of a group house, earning a salary that was juuuuuuuuuust enough to pay my bills and keep me adequately fed, working for a sadist boss, and I’d just been unceremoniously dumped by my boyfriend of 2 years. There were moments of awesomeness, sure — but for the most part, it was a long slog that didn’t even remotely resemble the “young, carefree, and fabulous” existence that I thought I’d be living.

    I totally agree with Taryn that picking one or two areas of your life to focus on getting un-stuck is a good way to proceed. Trying to fix everything at once is overwhelming, so focusing on one thing, whether it’s fitness/weight, your job, or whatever feels most accessible, will help you feel like you’re building some momentum. Hang in there!

  6. We all feel stuck at times. What makes you happy? If going out makes you happy, can you join up with the local YELP team? See if you can find some YELP elites and ask them if they have recommendations of places that are fun to go out. I know going out by yourself sucks (i’ve done it plenty) but sometimes you just have to get out of the house. And not getting up at 4 am is fine. It seems like you liked it when you were doing it. But maybe find an evening class that works for your schedule. Is there a wine club or beer club that you could join? Keep asking people. If you like a girls coat, ask her wear she got it. Just start talking, and you might find some connections. Its okay to feel stuck. But is not okay to not fix it. You deserve to be happy. Do what makes you happy.

  7. I’ve totally been where you’ve been. I decided I wanted to change, so everyday I made myself little goals. Like one day could be, talk to someone new or say something nice to myself in the mirror. Slowly you start building confidence and people will notice. People gravitate to others that lift others up. I would choose someone at work and try and do nice things for them all week. This too shall pass, don’t let it consume you;)

  8. I feel like this all the time! Every week I say I’m buckling down and working my way to being thin. I’ve been putting off graduate school apps and can’t do it a week more! Seriously get my digits and text me sometime. Even if for a drink to vent or whatever, it’s important! I feel as the New Year looms and I am 25.5 AHHHHHH how, I feel like I should be happier, better, more awesome

  9. Aw this makes me want to give you a big hug! And I don’t even LIKE hugs! I second what Lauren said- can we just all go and hang out one day? Please? I don’t feel connected to Baltimore at all either and it can be really hard sometimes so I feel like we would all be bffs. I hope you’re able to start feeling happier but I definitely understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes I’m not satisfied with being “fine” but that’s how I feel. All. The. Time. This semester I’ve been pretty happy but it’s because I’ve forced myself out of the little rut I’ve been in over the past 3 years and finally found a group of people who I can relate to that don’t enjoy the college partying/bar scene 4 nights a week. So yea, after this long ramble, I am being completely serious when I say we should do something so that we can find a way out of that “stuck” feeling <3

  10. I am at the exact same boat you are girl!

    I moved into the city to start my first job…my first offered job and still asking myself 5 months later if it was a good idea. I left my college friends 100 miles away south and my family 100 miles away north. I know no one in this city and I have no idea where my career is going. I has to randomly find a roommate within 2 weeks of starting my job, which was hard and I didn’t do my research and I commute way to far to work everyday. Although I have a good apartment and rent is very cheap, the stress of waking up early to workout then drive in awful traffic is depressing every morning. I know of a few friends that graduated college and live in the city I do, but they only want to drink and drink more. Being very into fitness and health, I always have extreme guilt not having a social life because I don’t want to drink that much. Which leads me to ask myself if I love fitness and nutrtion so much, why am I doing a cubicle job I healthcare where I can’t even be promoted or look for other jobs for another 2 months after my “probation period” is up. I feel stuck, lonely, and unsure of where I’m going. Sadly, I had the flu over thanksgiving and had to stay with my parents longer then expected and it was the happiest I’ve been in a month because I was home and near friends if I wanted to see them. I’m stuck too, like you mentioned I’m the happiest sitting at home after a long day of work and a workout and just relaxing, but then that makes me ask myself why did I move to the city then if I could work and find a gym anywhere I live? I don’t have the answer to your post, and I really wish I did…but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. I’m very much stuck too.

  11. I’ve felt the same way lately, like things are out of control and all you can really do is help they get better. Baltimore can be a hard city to make new friends in (depending which part of bmore) – I live about an hour from Baltimore so if you ever do another blogger meet up I’d totally love to come!

  12. For most people at 25, all of what you are writing is just par for the course. Its nothing to get hung up on. The trick is to realise that the job, the weight, the love life, the materialistic wants.. they are all unimportant. Start with a very simple goal; to love yourself.. to have faith in yourself.. to believe in yourself without a moments doubt. Get that right and the rest may or may not follow but either way you will do great.

  13. I can completely relate (though for me my ideal age was 26) because growing up I somehow got it into my head that by the time I was 26, I would have it all together – the job, the boyfriend, the fantastic social life…. and when I got there (I’m 31) that didn’t exactly happen. But what I would say to you is that, that’s ok. It’s ok that you don’t have it all together and figured out because you’re only in your 20s. Like Lillian said, it’s a myth that we’re brought up with that we should all have it together by our mid-20s but most of us don’t. I would’ve rolled my eyes if someone had told me this when I was feeling like that at your age but that feeling of being stuck really does pass, I swear. I still don’t have it all together but I know who I am now and have never felt better about myself. You’ve got loads of time to get unstuck so just try to relax and trust that it will happen in time.

  14. Gah. I know exactly how you feel because I’ve totally been there. I know it has been some time since you published this post, so I hope you are feeling a bit better. Here to chat whenever! *Hugs* xox

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