Ten Years

What is wrong with me? I post “why I’ve been blogging less but oh don’t worry I’ll still be around!!!”…then I run away. I suck.

I thought the internet was lacking in a sentimental post so here I am to save the day and make all the readers in the place with style and grace…cringe. In the spring of 2004, I was in 8th grade. Throughout grade school I played field hockey (fall), basketball (winter), softball (spring). I mostly did it because my friends did it and I had (still have?) FOMO- fear of missing out. Softball was far and away my least favorite, so I finally decided to ~live for me~ and quit so I could enjoy the remaining of my 8th grade days because I assumed life would be SUPER stressful in omg high school. I think I announced my retirement in a dramatic AIM away message. Maybe with Something Corporate lyrics.

Suddenly I had hours free! So much spare time! It was wonderful….and it jumpstarted the problem I’d have for the next decade. Too much spare time, nothing to do, so I started eating. I ballooned. I’d always been tall for my age, but by 8th grade, everyone had grown and I had stopped. At 5’2 (maybe 5’3 if you’re in a generous kind of mood). I graduated as the 11th shortest girl (I commemorated this in my diary so that’s how you know it rocked me to my core) and undeniably a little bit bigger. I remember my mom asking me once “You’re eating again? Are you sure? There’s a pool party coming up.” I was like “What? Yes I am hungry. I’ll be ready for the pool party, GEEZ MOM.” Lo and behold, a few weeks later, I wasn’t ready for that pool party. I didn’t go in the pool. I wore a two piece but never took my cover-up off. When my friends went in the pool, I sat or went to the bathroom to pretend to fix my hair or something.

I quit softball and filled my spare time with mindless snacking. A habit I have yet to break.

It’s hard to accept that it’s been ten years since that spring. I’ve written over and over in lengthy, painful, rambling posts about how I feel my weight and eating habits have held me back. It’s sobering to realize that a whole decade passed where I hated my body, ate more because I hated my body, and yet I didn’t have “it” to change. “It” meaning: the willpower, the mental fortitude, the knowledge of nutrition or how my body worked, the desire to learn all that, etc. I was miserable for so long about how my body looked so I’d eat to cheer myself up after a dismal shopping trip with my mom when I wanted to wear cute, stylish clothes that hugged my body and instead went with flimsy, flowy blouses or to fill a void when I saw my friends in relationships. Whatever. The list and the drama can go on (and probably does in multiple posts on this blog).

I’ve officially been blogging about my grand weight loss attempt for a year. I’ve done really well, then let myself have a reward “just one cheat day” on a Saturday which turned into a Sunday resolve of “ehhh just make it a cheat WEEKEND” that turned into eating poorly on Monday and Tuesday, but I couldn’t re-start healthy eating and living on a Wednesday! That was dumb! So NEXT MONDAY it would begin! Or when I didn’t feel like prepping healthy meals, figuring out what groceries I needed and then actually grocery shopping.

I’ve re-started with the resolve, then stopped, then taken forever to re-start again so many times over the past year. This particular winter has been brutal when I just couldn’t make myself get up to go to the gym and so hibernated in my house binging because it was too cold! The last week has been better, and I realize NOW that I really can’t let myself off the hook too much with “cheat days” because otherwise it just turns into one big, binge-y freefall. Should it have taken me so embarrassingly long? Probably not.

The last year has been one of so much learning, so much stopping, and eventually re-starting. All that matters is the re-start happens and I’m a lot more motivated than ever. Realizing it’s been a DECADE like this helps. Turning 25 in May helps.

It’s been 10 years but it won’t make it to my favorite number 11 :)

Why I’ve Been Blogging Less

Right. hello.

Life has been busier than usual round these parts but you are probably still busier. I try not to post about how OMG STRESSED AND BUSY AND CRAZAAAYY life is ever (it’s usually not) because I remember from Queen Mindy Kaling’s book where she says “A note about me: I do not think stress is a legitimate topic of conversation, in public anyway. No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time EVERYONE IS STRESSED OUT. Going on and on in detail about how stressed how I am isn’t conversation. It’ll never lead anywhere. No one is going to say, “Wow, Mindy, you really have it ESPECIALLY bad. I have heard some stories of stress but this just TAKES THE CAKE.”

I read that and was like hell ya! This applies to me. So now I try not to whine about how tired (okay I fail at that one a lot), busy, stressed, whatev I am because….that quote. I love it. So I try to shut up.

This is obviously not me shutting up. And if you ever want tips on how to kill a blog, seek out yours truly. I’m the worst. BUT I can’t deny that it is kind of a success.

….I never presume anyone notices or further, cares, but it makes me cringe and feel bad when I see the blog name in the search terms section of blog stats. Oh and yes some version “I’m fat and hate myself” always makes an appearance in the search terms.  What a legacy I’m carving out.  So here I am about to fumble through an explanation that will probably make sense to a party of one Caitlyn but I feel compelled to try.

I’m trying to get out behind my computer more. I loooooove the Internet and can easily spend hours lost skimming in forums. Example, a few months ago I found Make-up Alley. I spent at least four straight days just browsing and reading reviews and then throwing things on my Amazon wishlist. A make-up artist I will probably never be but I like to imagine that I could someday be the girl who easily blends eyeshadows together to make eyes pop because that would be fun or be the girl who knows how to apply concealer juuuuust right, instead of just smearing it on my face and hoping for generously bad lighting all day like I do now. Hence why the zillion eyeshadow palettes, concealer jars, contouring brushes, are still sitting on my wishlists. Snort.

In the spring I had all these grand dreams for growing the blog but then I soured on them and realized I honestly didn’t care about growing it because I like it as it is and I hate change. In the fall I realized it was stupid how much time I spent cooped up in my room on the internet. I moved to a city like I always wanted to…and I would (still do) spend all my spare time in my room. No one is on their death bed and thinks “Sheesh if only I wasted more time on the internet.” Thus I am trying to cut down on my Internet time. Where I am at now is…I don’t know what to do with myself (this does not apply to recent, busier time). If you know of any “pathetic life” awards feel free to nominate me. I don’t really have any hobbies beside reading (which I am doing even more of) and reality tv. Over the winter months when I also could pinpoint the weather for being in my house all the time like a shut-in, I on-line browsed (and sometimes purchased) all the time. I’ve developed a new love for candles through all my yankee candle browsing.

I’m trying to cook/bake more because…adulthood.. but I really hate it. Really, really, really hate it. It makes me so anxious and I don’t know why. The other day I was baking bars and my hands were trembling the whole time and when the bars were finally cut and put away, I just felt such relief. ‘Twas bizarre.  I do more work-out DVDs. I still don’t clean my room.

So one of the things that has fallen by the wayside is blogging. I don’t put any pressure on myself to churn out “content” (like I used to in the spring) or creating graphics for pinterest (although I admire and happily pin yours and others). Maybe another reason is because I do all that at work?

This isn’t a goodbye or anything. I’m not quitting and I’ll still blog but I just wanted to try and explain the lack of consistent posts and blog reading/commenting. Soo I’m still here, always ready to rant and ramble, anddddd doesn’t mean I love ya any less ;)

 

 

Five Facts..Monday

meant to publish this friday but then i got side-tracked by the overwhelming desire to bake. and since that happens every Olympics i had to take advantage. amanda’s protein bars= delish. and will surely be gone by tomorrow if they miraculously last the night. they were also much better than this blog post but for some reason i felt like delayed posting..so away we go.

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1. Bmore got dumped on and I got my snow daaaaaay! Praise be. Now winter exit stage left and make room for spring puh-leez. I know complaining about the weather is so tired at this point but I was telling someone on Wednesday that it feels like eons since it was warm. Dramatic? Always. But really, I feel like it’s been freezing for so long now. Let’s get on with me complaining about sleeping when I’m hot. I took a sick day on Friday because I was kind of nauseated and didn’t feel like digging my car out so I figured I’d let the sun, if it ever showed up, and time help me out. Our alley rarely gets plowed and is always a mess whenever it snows, so Wednesday I thought I was being SOOO smart and parked my car on the street. Well, wouldn’t you know, our alley got plowed and is perfect. My car was where, of course, the sun was not hitting and  all the snow turned to ice and I just cannot deal. Never winning.  It took an hour and a half. Of course, a lot of that is probably my piss-poor technique, but alas, we move on.

2. My company doesn’t make the decision to have a standard operating day, delay or closing anywhere between 6:45-7:15. I could scream from the rooftops (or whine on the Internet) how much I hate this. I get to my office around 6:45 (I know!) so this winter has been a huge pain, where I sit around and wait to find out if I have to go in. I usually do have to go in, and then I sit in all this 7:15 am traffic AND bad weather traffic where everyone drives sooooo slow. Last year when I was a newbie and the first major snowfall came, I realized that morning while I had e-mail on my phone and knew to call the snow line, I didn’t know what time they made the call at. I figured that since so many people came in early, it had to be early and they would have made it by now, so I made the trek in. The chairman of the board saw me in the kitchen as I was putting my lunch away and said “Oh no. I just called and told them to alert everyone that we’d be closed.” I was so angry and stormed out. He told HR and HR sent me an e-mail about reading my employee manual. It was fun.

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3.  My co-worker published her first YA novel last year. I read it with trepidation because, uh, what if it sucks? What if I won’t be able to look at her the same. I dunno why I was worried because she is an awesome writer, but the book was really good and sweet. Have I talked about this before? Possibly. Sorry. BUT don’t click x yet..she has a new book coming out March 31 and I’m super duper pumped. Above is the new cover that I love so much. Speaking of books, I can’t help myself, I read a good one this weekend. I was in the mood for a easy, breezy, (beautiful, cover girl) read and this book was just the ticket. It was the kind of book where I delayed finishing it because it was such a fun ride. Tomato, toh-mato, but read if you want and let me know what you thought.

4. I got a bunch of Amazon gift cards for Christmas and so I purchased a few kettlebells because I always thought they looked cool and effective. I did a kettle bells Tone It Up workout  yesterday and I freaking loved it. It was one of those workouts where in the middle of it I thought ‘Wow I really like this!’ That never happens. Usually I’m huffing and puffing, counting the minutes until it ends, while feeling embarrassed at how weak and out of breath I am. I am so sore today and I forgot how good it is to wake up feeling a good kind of sore. I keep meaning to actually follow a weekly TIU schedule but keep forgetting (or making excuses) but hope springs eternal so let’s see what I can do this week. It was humbling when somebody found out I get home from work around 4 and exclaimed “wow so you have all kinds of time”, which I do, but I also possess a potent arsenal of excuses and incredible laziness.

5. One of my roommates is engaged and moving out so I am getting a new roommate soon. Saturday morning my lovely (not sarcasm! i’m so lucky and really love her) landlord and I met with potential tenants. My other two roommates were at work so I took my duty very, very seriously. I was all jazzed to meet the potentials and told my roommates “I will take care of getting alllllll the dirt!” Then when the candidates were live and in front of me I realized I didn’t have much to ask. ‘True or false and only answer false: I like to kill people in my spare time? Have you ever at any point in time lived a city and forgotten to close the and/or lock the front door leaving the premises vulnerable to robbery?’ Do you agree that J.K. Rowling is a flaw free human? How often do you bake and what is your philosophy on roommates who eat all of what you bake? Are you in possession of a cute, single older brother who loves girls in sweatpants and is interested in wooing your roommate whose name starts with a C and ends in an AITLYN?’ Hmmph. They, in turn, also had interesting questions beyond the standard. One mom asked how the water water pressure was and found it hilario when I replied with a verbose “good.” What else is there to say about water pressure? The same mom, upon finding out that I moved here from another state, asked how I met people. I said “Oh, the Internet.” It’s true but she was quite confused so I can only imagine what she must have thought. Also,I kept my room door shut during the tours but forgot to turn my TV off and at one point while we were marching on past to the 3rd floor, the potential roommate asked “Is that the spongebob theme song?” UH NO. You’ll be living with all professional adults. That is another very serious show about serious, professional topics whose theme song is “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea…” obvi. Saturday cartoons 4eva.

*bonus 6th: I recently discovered – via social media of course – a new app that is supposed to help you fall asleep. It’s basically a sounds app. You can play all kinds of different sounds while you fall asleep. Some of them are so funny – like “frogs”, which is, you guessed it, frogs ribbit-ing. I always go for the water sounds – “rain on roof”, “thunderstorm”, “rainstorm’, “heavy rain” – and while it doesn’t help me fall asleep faster it’s very soothing.

This song came on my I-pod in my drive home and I forgot how much I love it.

I really am going now. B-y-e.

MIMM: A Whirlwind, Crazy Trip Home

Whoa it’s been a long time since I managed to join in the MIMM party with Katie.

Urghhhh Monday why do you have to come back so often? Go away. I’m putting the blame for this squarely on the winter we’re all having, but damn time seems to be going so slow. Usually I’m like “WHAT?! How is it whatever month already?’ but winter is dragging. I am so sick of cleaning my car off and all the salt on my car. I am so sick of all the snow and ice, and not getting a snow day. What good is all of this if I don’t get a day off? All my teacher friends are whining on social media about how they are actively hoping against snow days, but I’m all “um. I will take them. thanks.” :)

I went home to PA this weekend to see my parents (and our labradoodle Maggie!!!!!). I also had to go to the dentist- haha. I really should get around to researching and starting to see doctors in Maryland but I like all of my doctors in PA. My dentist said “I remember you’re an avid reader, do you have a Nook or a Kindle?” He was thinking of getting his daughter one,  so of course I gushed about my Kindle and how it actually IS the greatest thing since sliced bread, and he replied with “Yeah, that’s the way the world is going. All those publishers will be put of business real soon.” Awkward comment considering…I work for a publisher.

We also went to the locksmith to get another spare key for my car. The locksmith had ordered another key a few weeks ago and we went so they could program the new key to my car. The associate asked if I could move my car and pull around to the back where the computer could reach (or something). The neighborhood was filled with one way streets so the associate gave me directions. In typical Caitlyn fashion, I got lost. It took a loooong 15 minutes for me to make my way to the freaking back of the store. When I pulled up, the employees clapped. Every mundane easy task is needlessly more difficult when you’re Caitlyn. Oh, and they couldn’t make a spare because it says right on the key “dealer only programming”. Productive outing.

My mom and I went to get our nails done. I have a new favorite color- peace, love and OPI. I think it’s just so cool-looking.

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That night, I went out with my parents and neighbors to a local bar. I  was really fortunate and had such a great childhood- our neighborhood was filled with kids my age and overall really nice people. It’s been so fun to get to hang out with “the parents” now that I’m older. So many are empty nesters now, and they’re always planning parties. One of the neighbors was bar tending and later on in the night we noticed a cousin behind a bar as well, so my dad asked why I brought my purse, when clearly I wouldn’t be carded with all the family around, and when my parents were going to pay. He put my purse in the car and we forgot all about it. Big error.

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Sunday morning, he left early for Vegas (!! just a work trip, although he gamely put up with all my super lame, cliche jokes about getting married by Elvis, finding a tiger in the bathroom and getting bad tattoos). I was asleep when he left – and he drove his car with my purse in it to the airport. I was in my car about to pull away to drive back to MD, and I leapt out of my car and ran into the house shrieking at my mom (and nearly steamrolling Maggie) “DID DAD BRING MY PURSE BACK IN?” Nope. My credit cards, license, insurance cards, cash, all that fun stuff.

So my mom and I trekked the 25 minutes to the airport with his spare key to retrieve my purse. We missed the garage twice and had to keep circling the airport. Then we couldn’t figure out his vague directions – “my car is by a pole, which is half garage A and garage B.” What the what? I am the girl who got lost going around the block yesterday, Dad. We finally found his car, and lo and behold, wouldn’t you guess….the remote didn’t work. Are you asleep yet? Sorry this is dull. It was really interesting in person I swear, I just am a horrible storyteller. Trust. My dad has a car where you  just have a remote and no key, and you just press a button to get it started. He hates it. The batteries in the spare remote were dead and the purse was so close, yet so unattainable. It was comical. So my mom gave me her debit card until my dad gets back home Wednesday night. OY.

Did you watch Toned Up? You know I’m a Bravo junkie/super skeptic, and it’s one of my favorite shows to air on Bravo ever. I laughed, I said “awwww!!!”, and I pouted because I wanted to be their friend and hang out with them. I freaking loved it. It probably won’t get a second season…but it should. I am 110% certain Andy Cohen reads this blog so hey Andy. Season 2. Do it. So if you haven’t watched the show, watch it and tweet about it- and maybe if Bravo sees enough tweets a season 2 will happen? :) I also had such a great time every week at our viewing party here in B’more. I met so many awesome ladies!

If you read to the end, sorry and I love you. Thanks to Katie for hosting!

It’s The Freaking Weekend

…..I love them so much, yet they are one of my roadblocks in getting fit.

So I used to struggle with eating healthily during all days of the week but the work week was really hard. Preparation is not my thing. Thinking ahead? Nope. Never has been my style. I wouldn’t pack enough food and I’d get hunger headaches and slump around the office for hours that felt endless or I would just get Skittles and an Almond Joy bar from the vending machine.

I’m finally, finally, finally getting better at eating healthy doing the week. I plan out all my meals and get ‘er done. But now, the weekends. Suddenly I’m 100 times worse on the weekends than I ever was during the work week.

I know that the problem is too much free time, which makes me laugh because I love the weekends for that very reason.

On weekends I really just…have nothing to do. So I eat. It’s something to do. And what I eat on the weekends, I guarantee, is never healthy. It’s always a “bad” food choice and it’s always a LOT of it. I know binge-eating is one of my problems. I know I’m eating because I’m bored, but I can’t seem to talk myself out of it. I knew it was a bigger problem than I thought it was when I woke up last Saturday morning and thought “Oooh. I can go to CVS and buy some unhealthy snack to eat today. My roommates are still asleep so they won’t see me come back into the house with it.” A low point. I’m planning on sneaking back in with junk food, like I’m smuggling drugs. I didn’t want to be caught and I didn’t want to feel ashamed. Way to be, self. Way.to.be. That’s also another alarming facet – that I willingly leave my house to buy bad food. And I don’t talk myself out of it for the 2 blocks that it takes to walk there.

It’s a problem, and I know this. I know it when I’m shoving food down my throat and I feel worse afterward, but then the next weekend rolls around, and lo and behold, there’s bored Caitlyn. I don’t talk myself out of it because I want to do it and I declare that “I’ll burn it off!!! I’ll work-out extra hard!!”

The obvious solution seems to be – well, don’t be bored. Get a hobby moron. Do something. I already read a lot but even I can’t do that for however many waking hours I have.  I need a lot of alone time but maybe too much is too much on the weekends? Last year I used to go to the mall a lot, but this year I am on a girl on a budget. And it’s cold. I thought about going for a run a time or two, but then I’m all “Um well I don’t know where to run so that’s out.” I’ve lived here a year and a half now, and I still don’t know any running or walking routes.

It’s a low point and I’m just…over it. Over constantly putting myself in these positions and giving in and not overcoming. I’m so over figuring one thing out (like healthy eating during the work day) and then another thing comes popping up worse than before. Blah. I know this is all me and I’m forever writing posts like “wah I know it’s my fault but it’s hard and I can’t figure it out and I keep doing it”. I know.  That’s about all I have to whine about today.

WIAW: Messy In Execution

Happy WIAW, people!

Sorry for lack of posts. I have a bunch of posts sitting in drafts that I very nearly almost published but the gloom and doom was too much even for me. Contrary to what those posts would have you believe, the world has not stopped turning and here we all are.  Hi.

Breakfast:

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a breakfast that lights up a work day. 

Overnight oats in a mason jar. Cute in theory but messy in execution. That’s my life theme: messy in execution. I’m still so enamored by my overnight oats. So easy and versatile. This batch is Thin Mints Overnight Oats. I was on the phone with my eye doctor in PA, telling him that I lived in Maryland now but I LOVED his practice so so so much that I don’t want to look anywhere else and oh I only have one trip home scheduled in February and I need my yearly appointment, and then the secretary tells me he is booked through end of April. What the hell? You are an eye doctor in suburban Pa not Planet Hollywood in Vegas. Why was I boring you with this? NO not because I hate you,I remember now. Right. So I was on the phone with the eye doctor and I accidentally repeated a step because I was just OMG SO shocked at my eye doctor being A-list suddenly and put the peppermint extract in twice and HOLY strong. It still wasn’t a lot at all but I am a weak woman, friends. It was still really good, filling, chocolate-y and I look forward to repeating.

Lunch:

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I’ve been really craving Chipotle. Like every day. One fine day it dawned on me that Chipotle burrito bowls contained ingredients I had in my refrigerator and I could manage to throw together something resembling it. Verdict: not bad!! It’s pretty hard to mess up but I was trying to make sure the ingredients were healthy. In the mix is lettuce, spinach, carrots, almond slivers, roasted mushrooms, cheese, rice, guacamole, and leftover chicken.

Snack:

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Lara Bar in an artistic photo. The point of the bar being arranged with my work notes is to show the juxtaposition between this exciting snack and boring stock numbers of the books we publish. Although I prefer stock numbers to long-ass ISBNS any ol’ day. In case you were wondering. You weren’t. Next.

Post-work snack:

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Smoothie bowl. I used to overthink smoothies but I finally realized that they also are hard to mess up. In here is mango, strawberries, blueberries, vanilla greek yogurt, unsweetened vanilla almond milk,  spinach, vanilla protein powder, xanthan gum. Ignore the lone strawberry. I accidentally excluded it from the blender so I just plopped it on top for decoration (and later consumption).

Dinner:

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SO. I baked chicken Sunday night and took this photo. I ate Steamfresh vegetables on the side. The rest of the pictures were taken Monday, hence the leftover chicken appearing in my lunch bowl. I felt that I needed to explain. This chicken doesn’t look that great but it’s deceiving you. I so wish I could remember where I found it. But it was some olive oil, dijon, honey. Then plain bread crumbs. I threw almond slivers on top. My co-worker tried it and proclaimed it “amaze balls.” Success. When pre-heating the oven to make this, I accidentally set the fire alarm off. I was flipping out and it took eons to turn off (translation: probably 90 seconds). I don’t understand why it went off, as I was only setting it to 375 degrees and it was the first time it was being turned on in hours. The stove scares me enough, and now the oven is turning against me too. Fine.

Thanks to Jenn for hosting!

On January Joiners

Today I wanted to ramble about something that’s always bothered me. Peoples reaction to “January Joiners” – also known as the people who start frequenting the gyms after Jan. 1 as they begin work on their new year resolution.

My newsfeeds on Facebook and Twitter are filled with people complaining about lack of treadmills, spots in all the classes and all the “rookies” who now show up in the gyms. I was talking to a friend from college about the gym and she said, “Oh my God, I can’t wait until all these new people give up and stop coming.”

I get it. Believe me I do. I get it’s frustrating that people used to have their pick of ellipticals. It’s annoying that the leg machine used to always be wide open and now there’s a line full of confused people who don’t know how to operate the damn thing. I understand the frustration that the new members might not re-rack the weights, they might talk too loudly or they’ll forget to wipe off the machines. I find that annoying also.

But what I don’t understand is that people are so annoyed to the point where they are actively hoping the people give up. That’s beyond me. These people on my newsfeed once had to walk into the gym for the first time. I don’t feel I have a right to any machine in the gym because I’ve been going for a few months. Sure, the statistics are against them and many will stop coming, but why are we rooting against the January Joiners? I think we should celebrate anyone who made the choice to try and work toward leading a healthier lifestyle.  Maybe since I was so self-conscious the first time I walked into my gym, I’m overly sensitive, but this really pisses me off. Nothing will want to make these people quit faster than people who are snobby and judgmental toward them.

So, January Joiner, I promise I won’t judge you. In fact, I think you might be savvier than I am as the gym membership deals around this time are awesome. My April membership incentive wasn’t nearly half as good as the one you nabbed. I won’t judge because you happened to join a gym in January or think I am superior because I joined a gym in any other month than January. I hope you fall in love with fitness and learn to lead a healthier lifestyle. I hope you try new things – give lifting a chance! – and find what works for you. I hope you work hard and feel so proud and ecstatic at the results. I hope you stick around. I hope to find a friend among you.

I’m someone who is also on the path to leading a healthier lifestyle. It’s a huge mental and physical switch, while I’m nowhere near as far as I thought I would be at this point (due to my own weaknesses), I haven’t given up yet. I hope you don’t give up either. Let’s motivate each other :)